Simple Thoughts

I have to laugh at this when I came across this Happy Bunny pic, it is actually quite true, but it could also be taken as a joke… hehe, depends on how you see it, share your thoughts here

This had made my day… recognize any familiar blogs on the featured blogs list? http://eyesurgeryblog.info/39-eye-surgery-june-27-2007-1242-am

Realization… this is one of the words I used as an excuse on Thursday, April 19th 2007.
The words: Guiltiness and helplessness and useless was a word I learnt on Thursday, April 19th, 2007.
That day, was one of my most hard lived days.

At 6:00am, my family arrived at St. Michael’s hospital for my mother’s eye surgery. This surgery would be performed by a doctor who is one of the best glaucoma doctors in Toronto. Even he, as experienced struggled and was worried about the dangers this surgery would cause. We had to prepare my mother before she went into the operation room: changing clothes, taking medicine, putting in the intravenous, etc. I tried to make the time funner so I said jokes and stuff, my mother was worried but she became happy, My mother was admitted into the surgery room at 8:45am, I thought, this time, although the surgery is dangerous, everything should be fine. During her thought to be 2.5 hours I was not worried, just waiting to see her. When it was already 12:00, I started to wonder what was taking so long? could something had happened? but that thought soon went away as fast as it came, at around 1:35pm, we were finally called to go see her. When I saw my mom I was so excited, the nurse went over the stuff we had to do, what symptoms to look out for, etc.

When the nurse left, I wondered why my mother was so speechless, then it came, she said that during the second half of the operation, the freeze was slowly melting away, and soon she felt the pain of the operation, but the doctor did not put anymore to ease her, he plainly ignored her, as my mom told me, she cried, at that time, I felt so guilty, so hurt, ‘how could I been so relaxed when she was in the operation room?’ guiltiness shoot right in my heart, she said how the doctor just ignored her, how she suffered, ‘I want to get revenge on this guy’ but I knew there was no way, the only thing I could do was pray… how useless i felt of myself, I prayed so hard, I think God answered my prayers…

During the time of waiting for the doctor to see my mom, she felt so much in pain that she cried out, as she cried, my heart felt like it was breaking into pieces, I could do nothing, the nurses did nothing, it was one of the worst moments of my life.

At around 4:00pm, the doctor did not come see her, he told her to go see him a few floors above the building. When we went, and he called us, he checked her eyes to make sure that everything was ok, gave us some new prescription, etc. He asked my dad and me to stand up and go see my mother, when we went over, he immediately started to yell at us, yelling at my mom for being such an impatient person, etc, he went on and on… I really… really wanted to slap him in the face, but I couldn’t… I felt so useless…

But now… a few months later, I perhaps understand why he was like that, my mom’s eye was truly a complication… now all I have to do is face reality, and realize and wake up

走音

不懂得笑去哄你心 不懂得交暗走近
隔著曲好你 流行曲深得你心
若你到了可否上我的知音

首歌你你一生 未令你感 我未流行
琴人是我原我 作未吸引 不怎美也不心

遁例地拍掌 掌太 回只到你 著
有是太忙 何以有一起合唱
曲一煞那 人群的你不知去向

首歌到我太天真 歌中的主角那走近
唱片高低起跌 而情感偏偏走音
是我只懂唱不不人著

收音播播了我的歌 但是曲目你可心
旁人我其更是我的 我的不喜我的歌

遁例地拍掌 掌太 回只到你 著
有是太忙 何以有一起合唱 很想你唱

遁例地拍掌 掌太 回只到你 著
即使我拿下金 而你到出睡相
曲一煞那 才明白跟你相勉

Girl: Hey baby i want to show you…

Boy: (cutting her off) ugh i’m so mad

Girl: why?what’s wrong?

Boy: ugh everything

Girl: explain baby

Boy: just lost a championship game, parents flipped on me for no reason, and i am catching a cold.

Girl: well hey there will alwayz be other games, you know ill alwayz take care of you when your sick, what did your parents flip out about?
Boy:they are making me pay them for a car repear

Girl: is it alot of money?

Boy: no, it just sucks

Boy: but hey i don’t feel well and im going to lay down

Boy:bye

Girl: i want to give you some….

Boy: can it wait till tomarrow?

Girl: yeah sure

Girl:bye

Boy:bye

2 hours later a freind of hers asks her to go for a drive..she goes…..
her friend swerved to avoid a truck…..hitting a tree instead
her friend was killed instantly…shes in critical condition

This is the conversation between her sister and her boyfriend

Sister: OMG(crying)

Boy: what? what’s wrong?

Sister: my sister….your gf was involved in a major car wreck

Boy: is she ok?????

Sister: she is in critical condition

Boy: i’ll be there in 10 minutes

He shows up to the hospital room……standing outside the door
going over the last conversation. in his mind over and over as he
heard the machines beep and beep and breathing tubes pump
Boy: she wanted to give me something or tell me something

Girls mom: yeah this

It was in a envelope smelling like she did sealed with a kiss in lipstick

he opened it…….

It said…..your everything to me…..i love you with everything i am and everything i have…i want to spend the rest of my life with you
Sealed in it was a ripped movie ticket from the first movie they went to

And the first picture they took together

He kissed the picture as a tear fell from his face onto the picture

It looked as if in the picture she was crying
Then the machines flatlined….3 minutes later she was pronounced dead

Sometimes we are just too busy to notice things around us, and when we lose it, it is too sad.

I hope this story teaches you a lesson to remember to treasure those around you at any time.

I have this weird attitude that, if everyone likes a certain celebrity or song or game, whatever… I would not like it, I have this weirdness that either I like it before they do, or I would not like it.

I guess in a way… I am a bit… rebellious? (ha ha, most people who know me would probably never associate me with this word) Somehow, exactly, when, I do not know, but some point in my life, I decided to not follow others, I want to be myself, someone distinctive, a person who thinks and is not just a mirror of everyone else.

like for example… a few months ago, my friends got this game, actually… I wanted to try out that game… to the very least to see what it is like exactly… but on second thought, by having that game, I would associate myself to being labeled to those people who only get that game just because everyone has it.

Then, there is Se7en, the Korean singer… I actually kind of liked his music… but those crazy fans were just too fanatic, thus… I decided to wait till he wasn’t that popular anymore… which is… now? Now, I could totally focus on listening to his music! I am so weird…!

So, thus what I do instead is try to find something that is less popular (by the way, I haven’t yet) and start a own trend… (I’ve actually done many trends over these past few years anonymously! shh, he he mm is the word!) Like… I had gotten a Neopet’s account way before it became popular… I still go on it, because when someone comes up to me saying “oh look, another copycat” I could proudly say something like “actually no, I didn’t copy anyone, nor could I verify that people copied me, but the fact that I had it WAY before the trend proves that I didn’t follow others, or that I copied others for that matter” ofcourse, another example is the now, so popular… Facebook, I got it when it was called “The Facebook” thus proving that I did not copy others… I joined just because I liked it, not because everyone is on it.

I just don’t get people who want something only because everyone else has it… not because they actually like it, in fact, they probably hate it…

but do you think I am going too far? this just gets me thinking…. am I weird? rebellious? or… [insert word] ?

Yesterday, I could not sleep, I don’t know what was wrong with me, it wasn’t like I ‘did not’ want to sleep, in fact, I was really tired, my body begged for me to fall asleep, yet my brain wanted me awake. I had no choice but to lie awake on my bed foolishly staring at my ceiling and my surrounds while I let my brain go on with thoughts.

My thoughts went from what I did yesterday, to what I would do today, to what friends I have, to what friends I had, to what I did in the past, what I should do in the future, those thoughts carried on, on and on so far till I could not think any further, or rather, nothing else, except, a darkest thought: my funeral.

I really believe that when a person leaves, there unique aura seems to linger on the things they had touched, it is this special scent which leaves an impression on the people they had interacted with through out their lifetime. As you, walk in the place where they ate, where they slept, where they lived, that special sensation reminds you of their smile, or even tells you about how they lived, slept, ate. But once you regather those thoughts, you realize that the person who you are looking for is gone, you realize that you are alone, and the more you try to fine the aura the more quiet, aloneness you would feel, reality would hit you hard to remind you that this is just a place that someone has left behind.

Thank you Sophie, Thank you so much for reminding me “of what I can take physically, emotionally, intellectually.”through your blog. And in your words: “I’m glad that I’ve persisted; I know what the outcome would be if I hadn’t.”

Treasure those around you, learn to love those you care.

This was good memory, a bad memory, a memory which would be with me forever.

Almost 4 years ago, it really amazed me, when I first walked into my grandmother’s bedroom after almost 10 months after she left us, to me, she seemed to still be there, her bed, her dressing table, everything remained untouched, just like how it was before she went away, the scent she carried with her… it was there… somehow, deep inside me, I knew, I knew she was still in that very room. Before going back to Hong Kong, I would dream, dream that when I returned back to Hong Kong, she would be there, all this funeral stuff, all was so ridiculous, how could she leave? she was only 90 years old! I was only 14, it is so impossible, those were the thoughts which I inebriated myself in. but after walking into the house, visiting that room once more, I awoke and reality hit me hard, I was hopeless and all I could do was wept silently.

The reason why I returned to Hong Kong was to attend my grandfather’s funeral. After the cremation ceremony, we were to go visit our ancestors. Once I saw the place which contained my grandmother’s remains, I thought I would cry, but I didn’t, I was puzzled by this, I did not cry, perhaps, this is it, the sorrow feelings have left me. When it was time to bow 3 times, I bravely walked up to my grandmother’s place and bowed; to my surprise, a few tears formed around my eyes, I just could not control the tears as they fell on and rolled down my cheeks, but it was only the first bow, when I lowered myself for the second bow, I felt something a hundred times more sour than vinegar come up from within my body, I started to weep, on the third bow, it was apparent, I just could not control myself… I ran straight towards my mom and embraced her I no longer cared about my image, I cried out, it took me almost 15 minutes till I could regain myself.

After this experience, I was afraid to return…

There was a saying: everyone was meant to be here for a reason, everyone has their purpose, their need etc.

I thought… What is my purpose? the thought really staggered me… what if I don’t have a purpose? I don’t think I have a purpose… or… at least I don’t feel like I have one. The more I pondered on this, the more scared I become, what is my reason? What is my purpose? I have never influenced anyone’s life, I have never done anything great, so, why was I put on this earth? why is someone as ‘nothing’ as me on this earth?

another saying struck me: when the time comes, you would be useful, be patient, wait, everyone and everything has a time, God has His time for everyone and everything, and when your time comes, you would know…

This gave me such a relief… perhaps… perhaps there would be a time for me, probably when that time comes, I would do something good, but wait… I have no abilities, the only abilities I have are… are… wait… do I even have any abilities? I… I could play the piano, but how could I do anything with playing the piano? I am not a great piano player, so.. throw away that thought… Oh! I know… I am good at … at comforting people, but if I am such a good comforter, why do all my friends leave me once I comfort them? no… I have no abilities

am I too much of an optimist? a pessimist? I soon find myself comparing myself to someone who is very naive.