Simple Thoughts

Sometimes, I get this feeling that I am really special, I would like to think of myself as someone who is really important, like, someone would watch my life, waiting, just waiting for that right moment to tell me that in fact, I am someone special, in fact, this this life is not my real life, and the only reason why I am always being mistreated is really because God is testing me, just as the song goes: if you had not experienced the feeling of being oppressed, you would not know how to forgive” (by Hacken Lee’s Yee Do theme song) perhaps this depression is a way to train me, so that when one day, when that ’so’ special thing eventually happens, I would understand, and for those people around me, I would learn to forgive their thoughts and feelings.

Deep inside, to be realistic, I sometimes think of myself as pretty stupid… I mean… I jsut don’t get this, somehow, sometimes my brain just stops, like… literally, it just stops, as if… as if I am blocked from this world, this usually happens in crowded areas, which makes me feel and look so dumb, like some idiotic person, but really, people, I am not like that, you should really see how I act with my parents… the sorts of things I think and imagine, its all different. but I just don’t get why there are certain instances when I am just plain dumb.

I really believe in predestination, not in a out of control way of controlling my life, but… maybe before I was born, maybe somehow I made a deal with God on how I should be, the type of person I would become, now that sounds more like it, but really, if I did plan my life, why did I put all the bad stuff into it? this doesn’t annoy me much, because perhaps, perhaps, I am training for something… I don’t know… BIG in my life, but what really annoys me is that why aren’t the good things happening, there is so much someone could take, there is only so long someone can wait… when is my turn? As I watch movies, tv series, cartoons, anime, books, etc. most of the characters in these mediums usually experience something bad till a certain part of their life, than something happens, and they are all so happily ever after, if that were true, when is my turn? when would that segment come? when would it be my turn to have a happy story?